The Lesbian Aquarius: A Smooth Jazz Nightmare.

How do you solve a problem like Aquarius? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand. Lucky for you, it's a question you might never have to answer. It's your age, Aquarius, we're just living in it. I can't prove anything, but I'm pretty sure when Timothy Leary said "Turn on, tune in, drop out," he was taking his queue from you, the flakes of the zodiac. Sure, the age of Aquarius doesn't officially start until the end of 2012. On the other hand, I really don't see what other astral influence could be responsible for flower power, disco and Tribe 8, so I'm going to go ahead and blame it on you. 

Wild and crazy might be your M.O., but you let loose with the head rather than the heart. Contrary to popular belief, Aquarius is an air sign, which may be why your head is in the clouds. Not detached from reality, so much as checking out the cleavage from 30,000 feet. Be careful you don't get a chill up there because you'll shiver and shake. If the clouds get too moist, you'll complain of humidity. Any type of circulatory issue will make you droop like the hothouse flower you are. Aquarians may be smart, but nobody ever called them stoic.

Perhaps I'm not giving you enough credit. If you manage to tune in to ground control for long enough, you can accomplish amazing things. Case in point: Virgina Woolf is one of your kind. It's not easy, being ahead of your time. But I'd be more sympathetic if you ever once kept an appointment, or even had the courtesy to make one. You're likely to disappear for weeks on end, only to show up on your lover's doorstep unexpectedly. You'll stay until two in the morning, talking her ear off about the fluctuating price of wheat in Africa, the current political makeup of the Iowa school board, and the cool chick you met on the bus the other day. If you get around to sex, it's because your girl pulled off her shirt and gave you something other than words to chew on.

It's episodes like these that lead some to call you dispassionate, but that has not been true of many Aquarians I've known. Quite the contrary, an Aquarius is just as likely as the next girl to be a dynamo in the sack. But there is something almost impersonal about your affection, and this dynamic carries over to all your relationships. It's not that you don't care about anyone -- it's that you care about everyone. Leave it to a Pisces or Cancer to be fiercely protective of those she loves. Such tribal attitudes offend you. Your sisterhood spans the globe, and probably includes more than sisters. It extends to everyone you've ever met, and everyone you're likely to meet. Your greatest fear is becoming so attached you shut yourself off from the next new experience. If anyone ever accused you of being prejudiced, you'd rant and rave about your love of all humanity. Save it for an orgy, Aquarius, or you'll risk sounding trite.

Your head may be somewhere near Uranus, but you really are a pretty shrewd operator. You give a lot of lip service to peace, love and understanding, but you're hardly the patron saint of lost causes. When confronted with reality, you'll turn from a bleeding heart to a cold fish in 60 seconds flat. The good news: this will get you far in business. The bad news is that it could take you a lifetime to figure out which business you should be in.

You're one of the smarter creatures on the zodiac, so take comfort: you can do just about anything you like. Science might be the place for your amazing powers of concentration, if you decide to study something that could hold your interest. You could teach, but who knows what your students would nickname you. And while you might inspire people with your unusual thought processes and knowledge of the world, you're not exactly a leader. You'll do best in an environment where people accept you for being the eccentric, lovable brat you are. If you find a boss who appreciates your intelligence and pretends not to notice your tinfoil hat, you might eek out a living. It's probably a good thing you care about money even less than you care about love, because you never stick around long enough to get a raise or a promotion.

And so you float through life, chatting up the butcher, the baker and candlestick maker. You're just as comfortable standing on a street corner, getting the life story of a bum, as you are at a glitzy social event to raise money for the homeless. I wouldn't be surprised if you did both within the space of an hour. Talking does seem to be one of your primary activities, but you can rely quite a bit on your intuition. You're a one-woman signal tower, picking up on frequencies people didn't even know they were sending out. If you feel the right vibe, you're likely to hone in and ask plenty of pointed questions. Who are you? What are you doing here? Have you ever kissed a girl? Once you get to the bottom of you mystery, you'll wander away in search of the next novelty.

You're likely to ask a lot of questions that you wouldn't be willing to answer yourself. You like to keep your motives hidden, often to the point of dishonesty. Some say this is because you're the deep, brooding type who doesn't like to be pinned down. Personally, I think Aquarians are allergic to introspection. Your symbol, the water bearer, is said to move through life gathering the waters of knowledge and pouring them out. I recommend stopping once in a while and taking a drink. Hydration is as good for the skin as it is for the soul.