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Lesbian Pisces Astrology Profile
Click on Pen above to listen to this months Pisces horoscope. |
The Lesbian Pisces: For a raging bull, you're kind of a princess.
Come back to us, Pisces. It's time to wake up from your daydream... you know, the one where you're queen of Lesbaland, a magical place where Leisha Hailey is your personal masseuse and Angelina Jolie stares up at you adoringly from nursing your attractive children. When you're hungry, all you have to do is snap and Nigella Lawson rushes to your side to hand feed you chocolate dipped strawberries while Wanda Sykes entertains you with her latest comedy routine. Gather yourself and swim up to the surface so you can listen to me, your friendly sexologist astrologer, so I can remind you that you have bills to pay, and the only person likely to be hand feeding you in the near future is... well, you. Take a deep breath and relax. We wouldn't want anyone getting the bends.
It is a common misconception that the two fish that represent your sign are indicative of a dual nature, but in fact this is not the case. You're as romantic and whishy washy as can be, with your entire being. Leave it to a Gemini to snap back and forth between her two selves; at least nobody ever accused you of being schizophrenic. Lazy, sure. Impractical, definitely. Prone to vacillating between bouts of depression and mystical experiences, perhaps. Instead, the two fish represent a choice. See that one pointing down? She's a bottom feeder, by which I most certainly do not mean she is destined to nibble ladies' luscious bottoms. No, the fish who swims down does so to escape the unpleasant realities of life. She may be swimming in daydreams or vodka, but she'll find her bliss and you can bet it will be a complete waste of time. To get by, she'll find the most menial job possible because she's afraid of rejection. Bartender? Too ambitious. She'd feel grateful to score the bar back job at her local lesbian bar.
The mermaids who rise to the surface will always be in the water, but at least they're closer to the sun. Pisces occupy the 12th station of the zodiac, so you're old souls. I suppose you could say you're a jack of all signs, master of none. If a swimmer manages to channel the Virgo she was six lifetimes ago, there's a good chance she could get into a decent graduate program and find an understanding yoga instructor who will keep her on task and in shape. She might be a women's rights lawyer or post-feminist poet; but whatever she chooses, it will combine her exquisite, antenna-like sensitivity with a desire to aid all humanity. It's enough to make an Aries or Capricorn roll their beady little eyes, but at least it shows conviction.
But this is the best case scenario. Be aware that there are plenty of pitfalls. First off, you're likely to volunteer your time and emotional energy to the Sisterhood to Save the Blind Dalmatians before you'll lift finger to get your own house in order. What's up with that? Even if you don't have a cause, causes are likely to find you. Ladies living with their ex-girlfriends, people unhappy with their new tattoos and parents who can't deal with their daughters coming out all flock to you like nuns to a relic. No matter what the problem, no matter how much it would likely offend a more judgmental person, you will listen with serene eyes and sympathetic ears. You have a gift for putting yourself in another's Prada boots and I suppose we need objective souls like you around. Still, I wouldn't be comfortable putting you on a war crimes tribunal.
In a relationship, you're Exhibit A in the sad case of Women Who Love Too Much. You'll see the soft side of any vixen or viper, and forgive her cheating ways by focusing on her rough childhood. If you can find someone worthy of your attentions, you'll be a lucky charm. Offended that I'm putting you in a role of traditional femininity? If so, it's probably because you've been burned in your past. Get over it, because deep down you know I'm right. Some Pisces develop a salty crust to hide their warm, squishy dough, but that only makes them more fun to bite in to. Perhaps a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, but you need a woman like the Bradys need Alice.
Hopefully you'll hook up with a strong, silent Scorpio or a caring Cancer, who can hide you from the world and rub your delicate feet. Because here's your problem in a nutshell: you like to handle everybody's problems when you don't even have the energy to deal with your own. So while you sit, listen and feel another's pain, your life force is being sucked from you. What do I have to do to convince you that your time and energy are precious? Perhaps I wouldn't be so concerned, but you're not what I'd call a vital sign. The Libra in you will gorge on chocolate and red wine until you can't fit into your size 29 Diesels. Pisces' lungs tend to be weak, which invites colds and other respiratory infections. And your aching joints! Watch out for the hips, wrists and ankles.
But you have lovely eyes, I'd bet the U-Haul on it. Sometimes blue or green, the color of the ocean, but deep no matter what. You have a gift for experiencing beauty and often an uncanny ability to describe it, which keeps your friends and lovers coming back for more; that and you're known for being fun in bed. More than money, ambition or even security, you need look at lovely paintings and landscapes, listen to good music, read good books and watch thought provoking movies; if they happen to have Selma Hayek in them, so much the better. If you can scrape up the money to live in Paris or at least get to the local symphony, you'll be a happy camper, no matter how behind you are on the rent. Did I say find a Cancer or Scorpio? Let me revise that: find a Cancer or Scorpio with a trust fund. As my grandmother never used to say, it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich lesbian as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
In the dating scene, I found out Cancer's and Pisces are nice, but move really fast-once she came over, she didn't want to leave-I had to kick her out! As for now I'm totally loving my Saggie! I love how she can keep on keepin on, she's like a cowboy; yet, I feel like such a lady w/ her! She's so chivalrous!
Thanks for this site, it keeps me laughing, I look forward in utilizing your cynical banter in my ever changing love life! Keep up the awesome work!